I get a lot of people come and talk to me after they’ve had a hard conversation.
It’s usually a mix of venting, checking if they’re actually in the right, creating clarity and deciding on an immediate next step.
This processing is important, because if you handle it the wrong way or let it fester, it can lead to some ugly results.
e.g. quitting unnecessarily, forming a warped view of the situation, responding out of frustration, blaming yourself unfairly, or creating weird stories in your head.

My approach is to try and be a good listener – staying pretty quiet while asking helpful questions, and resisting the classic male instinct of trying to instantly “solve the problem”.
We still don’t know what the problem is, or if there’s even a problem at all.
Since this has come up a lot this year, I’ve made a list of some helpful unpacking questions that let both of you see the situation from different angles…

Where Do We Agree?
Finding common ground is a cliché because it works – it establishes where you and the other parties are on the same page.
i.e. where do you have shared goals, shared intentions or shared perceptions of a situation.
In reality, difficult conversations aren’t with people who are in complete opposition to you, but rather people with a slight difference in perspective or priorities.
Naming the overlaps in your Venn Diagrams helps clarify which areas are unique to each of you.
This also breaks your instinctive response of villainising other people – the vast, vast majority of people are not villains, nor are they actively out to get you.

Is This An Objection Or A Complaint?
As we previously explored, objections and complaints are different.
An objection is a hard barrier that says “I cannot proceed under these circumstances, something needs to change or I am out”.
A complaint is an expression of frustration or disappointment like “I wish this was better/cheaper/easier/faster”, but doesn’t mean that person will walk away.
So for you, this might be the difference between “my boss is annoyed that I can’t work on the weekend” and “if I don’t work weekends I’ll lose the job”.
Being annoyed is a complaint, whereas being contractually obliged to do something is an objection.
Is there a hard rule here that demands change?
Or is the other person expressing their feelings?
It is very hard to sit still and cop a complaint, but a complaint doesn’t oblige you to make changes (or make you wrong).

Where Might I Be The Problem?
Nobody is perfect, and before we go dishing out blame and accusations to others, it’s helpful to look at yourself first.
If you’re honest, what gaps do you have?
What have you let slip through the cracks?
What promises haven’t you fulfilled?
Where might you have taken on too many competing priorities?
This isn’t about blame, in fact it’s a relief to name your weaknesses and areas for improvement.
These are helpful to bring up when talking objectively, because it shows some self-awareness and that you aren’t pretending to be blameless.
It also lets other people correct any unfair self-criticism; you’re probably too harsh on yourself in some aspects, which sounds like modesty but still skews your perception of reality.

Importantly, most of the people close to you will avoid asking this question, generally out of politeness, loyalty or because you’ve been the narrator of the story.
Please don’t beat yourself up, just try to be as honest as you can.

Is This Actually About Me?
Nobody ever admits to doing this, but we often take out our frustrations in odd or indirect ways.
e.g. pressure from a major customer or boss affects how you talk to colleagues or family or random people you encounter in your day.
I am not trying to excuse this, but it does sometimes explain it.
This often appears as a sudden or urgent request, or a surprising increase in scrutiny over some details.
A great example is the “Bridezilla” or “Groomzilla”, who are suddenly shouting at some unsuspecting contractor or friend over trivial details.
It’s always a bad look.
The same goes for road rage – someone not making a green arrow should not cause you to explode.
Could this explain an overreaction you’ve received?
Could this explain your behaviour as well?

What Would I Think If I Were Them?
When you’re angry, you often don’t want to see things from the other person’s point of view – which is exactly why you should pause and think it through.
This process highlights the “Fundamental Attribution Error”, whereby we see our actions as a response to our circumstances, and other’s actions as a reflection of their personality.
i.e. if I’m late it’s because there was a train delay, if you’re late it’s because you’re rude and careless.
This is helpful when trying to find an objective view of a situation.
You might have told yourself “I didn’t send that report on time, but that’s because I’ve been swamped!”, whereas the other person is going to see the result and invent their own story around why it happened.
If we looked at your actions without any other context, what story would we likely draw from them?

The solution here is to add clarity, usually by explaining the backstory or complexities that have shaped your behaviour.
Again, not to excuse poor behavior, but to explain it and prevent other skewed narratives from creeping in.

Should I Alter My Vision Or Improve Upon The Execution?
One of the best questions for processing critical feedback is “Is the feedback suggesting that I alter my vision, or merely improve upon the execution?”.
It’s great because it identifies the nature of the suggestion: am I doing the wrong things, or am I doing the right things but not well enough?
It’s the difference between “this coffee is too bitter” and “I’d rather an orange juice instead of coffee”.
Diagnosing the type of critique is important because the two solutions don’t solve both problems.
If I don’t like coffee and wanted orange juice, you making a better coffee isn’t that helpful.
Vice versa, if I asked for sugar in my coffee and you forgot, replacing it with an orange juice won’t help either.
It’s easy to get your wires crossed, so it’s helpful to check with the person offering the feedback – are they looking for something different, or this thing but done better?

Could This Be A Frustrating Blessing?
This question catches people off-guard.
A lot of good things start from frustration; new hobbies, new skills, new partnerships, new priorities, new hires, pruning less-valuable tasks or product, etc.
Could this hard conversation hold the seeds of something wonderful?
Does it get you out of something negative or limiting?
Does it help you see things in a new light?
Does it spark action and create momentum?

Can I “Pretty Woman” Them?
One of my favourites but also one I’m not proud of.
You know that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts gets disrespected in a boutique, then comes back dressed-up and ready to spend money, to spite the salesperson who was rude to her?
This is an option when you’ve been dismissed or disrespected – decide to get really good at the thing you were rejected for, then let that eventually come to light.
If someone has said “you’re not good at x”, arguing back with “yes I am good at x” is unlikely to change their mind, and isn’t a pleasant thing to say.
What’s better is to then have a series of people around that person say “hey you’re great at x” while you respond politely.
Very, very gratifying.
But more importantly, even if that moment never happens, it nudges you towards making progress and becoming a better version of yourself, which is always going to be beneficial.

What Decisions Would They Have Made Differently?
When someone is critiquing your work or your decision making, it’s helpful to pause and check what specific decisions they would have handled differently.
What choice would they have made, given the amount of information that was available at the time?
Would they have taken more risk or less risk?
Taken more time or less time?
More responsibility or more delegation?
It might be that there’s not actually much that they would have done differently, which is good for the room to acknowledge.
They might lament the outcomes, but not lament you and your choices.

Can They “Paint Done”?
Brene Brown talks about asking people to “paint done” for her – describe a vivid picture of what this looks like when it’s done well.
Paint done is great because it gets everyone on the same page, or forces the task-setter to admit that they’re not sure what done looks like, and sometimes that task-setter is you.
People are usually good at copying and completing patterns; if you show me three reports and say “can you please make something like this for this client”, I’m usually good at making a fourth report that resembles the others.
It might not be identical or perfect, but the reference material massively increases my chances of doing a decent job. 

Process Updates – Checking In
The lack of communication is a great way to create disappointment, missed expectations and a feeling of cold hostility.
There is almost never a benefit to not communicating with someone you’re working with for a month, even if the work is going well.
“Hey, no news from us, things are still on track” is actually a good update.
Could this issue be prevented in the future by providing regular updates and check-ins?

Re-Evaluating Costs vs Benefits
Hard conversations are sometimes helpful for re-evaluating why you’re doing what you’re doing, which means revisiting the costs and benefits.
Is this friendship still healthy for you both?
Is this the right workplace for you in the coming years?
Is this the type of family dynamic you’re comfortable to continue (and model to others)?
Is this the right type of customer to work with?
Is this the right type of work you should be doing?

Most of these are in place today because they used to be a good deal – the pros outweighed the cons.
But things change, your circumstances change, and people change, so the deals need to be revisited every so often.
I know a lot of people (including myself) who took a job in their twenties to work with a great leader/manager.
The work was good, the leader’s role changed, new people stepped in, and all of a sudden the culture and dynamic are different.
It’s not disloyal to leave, it’s sensible – the role you took is no longer there, and you might not be the right fit for the current role.
It might not be anyone’s fault, it’s just the nature of change.
It also shows you where you’d like to work and who you’d like to work with in the coming months.

By re-evaluating the costs and benefits, you see the hard conversation in a new light.
Perhaps it shows you that the hard parts are vastly outweighed by the best parts.
Perhaps it shows you that it’s time for a small change – or a large one.

What Project Might This Kick Off?
Sometimes a tough conversation is part of life, sometimes you get a needed correction, sometimes you get “corrected” unfairly, and sometimes it sparks something new or interesting.
After reflection, is there an action you’d like to take?
Is there a skill you’d like to develop?
Is there something you’d like to build?
Is there something you’ve been curious about trying?

A lot of the best projects take a sustained effort over several months, so you’ll need patience and discipline.
What end goals excite you?
What’s the first step?
Can you try this out before making a substantial investment or commitment?

Could This Be Fuel?
These moments, overwhelming as they are, can be a source of fuel you can use to great effect.
So many projects and self-improvements have stemmed from hard conversations, which end up being the starting point of positive changes and overall happiness.
You might have had something running through your mind for a long time, then these conversations bring the impetus and some urgency that gets the ball rolling.
You don’t necessarily need to prove anyone wrong or win an argument, it might just be for your benefit.
In 2022, there’s not a lot of fuel or motivation going around, so even though it’s been a rough conversation, that fuel is a valuable asset for you in the next few months.

Remember, the best thing to do following a difficult conversation is to be a good manager of yourself, which is a combination of mental, physical and social wellbeing.
Going for a walk, eating well and sleeping on it are all excellent starting points.
Finally, no one person is always right, so it helps to talk to a range of people with differing backgrounds.
If I can be a helpful person to talk to, please fill in a contact form and get in touch.