Limiting Beliefs
There are a thousand things you can do to improve a business, but some are more influential than others.
One of the variables with the biggest influence over your results are called “Limiting Beliefs”, and not a lot of people like to talk about them.
What Is A Limiting Belief?
A limiting belief is a story, mindset or thought pattern that discourages you from taking certain actions.
For example, convincing yourself that other people will judge you if you try something new, or that your work isn’t good enough, or that you should stay in your current circumstances.
They’re not all bad, but they all involve hesitation and denying your impulses.
This is an uncomfortable topic for a few reasons:
1. Not many people like admitting that they have biases and an internal monologue that guides their behaviour.
2. When we think about these voices and thought patterns, we don’t like the idea that they might be wrong.
3. We also don’t like the idea that the negative self-assessments might be true either.
4. This is a topic that quickly becomes very personal, spiritual and emotional, and a lot of people don’t like acknowledging that these factors drastically affect their businesses.
Therefore we tend to see a few quick deflections:
1. “I’m fine, we’re affected by technical problems not mindset problems”.
2. “I am not biased, I have a good read on the world and myself”.
3. “These issues aren’t beliefs, they’re genuine weaknesses and shortcomings”.
4. “You’re not going to make us sing kumbaya are you? Hahaha!”.
How Do I Spot A Limiting Belief?
Limiting beliefs can often be found near this sentence:
“I am not ________ enough to…”
Try it now and see for yourself – what do you tend to put in that blank space?
Here are some common examples:
“I am not smart enough to speak about this in public”
“I am not fit enough to wear this outside”
“I am not likeable enough to go up to that person”
“I am not good enough to have my work published”
“I am not old enough to be called an expert”
Limiting beliefs also congregate around broad sweeping statements like:
“It’s not possible to…”
“People only want to…”
“Everyone hates…”
“There’s no point in trying…”
“Someone else will just do it better…”
Again, most of these examples encourage the thinker to stick with the status quo, to avoid taking risk and to avoid attracting the judgement of others.
Can You Give Me An Example?
This is where it can get uncomfortable, so I’ll speak for myself instead of trying to make definitive scientific claims.
When trying to make a new decision, I have to negotiate with my mindset – the collection of thoughts, experiences, preferences and biases that assess my options and arrive at a conclusion.
Let’s use a worked example – a client invites me to come surfing with them.
Here are a selection of thoughts that might go through my head:
“Remember back in Year 6 when you tried to surf and it didn’t go well?”
“I’m not really a surfer”
“I’m going to look silly”
“I won’t have enough time to learn how to do it properly”
“I’m going to look unprofessional”
“I probably won’t enjoy this”
Six impulses, all negative, all within seconds of processing the offer.
My first inclination will be to get out of it, preferably with a good excuse.
Here’s the problem; while some of those things are true (I didn’t do well on that day in Year 6), the rest are total exaggerations.
Almost anyone can go surfing, not just cartoonish stereotypes, and there was never an expectation that I’d be immediately good at it.
My mindset has taken a small truth, created a ridiculous worst-case scenario, and then sold me a solution under the guise of preserving my dignity.
“Don’t go, so that you stay looking like a professional”.
How rude.
The disrespect in that language there – look like a professional.
Not that I am a professional, but that I’m an imposter with a thin veil that needs to be carefully maintained.
So to recap, part of my brain has a low opinion of my work and value as a person (imposter syndrome), which then creates worst case scenarios and then tries to sell me a “solution” that keeps me safe.
It sounds so reasonable and sensible at first, but when you look closely you see how ridiculous it all is.
In the above example, what if I brought in a few competing beliefs?
These might include:
“I’ve been wanting another chance to learn to surf”
“I like learning new skills”
“I like trying new things”
“This is a great chance to get to know them better”
“This will probably be fun”
“I’ll probably get a good story out of this either way”
By adding these into the decision, I’m much more likely to say “Yes” or at least clarify their understanding of the situation, like “I’d love to, will this suit someone who hasn’t surfed much before?”.
It’s ok to ask “What if this is terrible?”, so long as there’s also a handful of “What if this goes really well?”.
This isn’t blind optimism, it’s a deliberate attempt to make a fair and balanced decision.
Are These Really That Bad?
The problem is that your mindset brings incredibly manipulative examples, memories and scenarios, but frames them as facts.
For example, it will recall examples of when your friends and family criticised someone for trying what you’re thinking of trying, like starting a business.
It argues that you’ll suffer the same consequences (failure, ridicule, shame, debt, etc), so better not even try.
Except, your circumstances might actually be wildly difficult from the prior example.
Technology changes, culture changes, you might have more talent or more experience than the other person, you have a better product or a larger market, or more importantly, judgement from others might not be a reason not to start a business.
You’ve talked yourself out of an opportunity, out of fears that are mostly unfounded.
Interestingly, I meet a lot of people who apply limiting beliefs to themselves that they won’t apply to others.
For example, they support their friends who start new projects or make changes to their circumstances, and believe that these might end up going well.
However if you invited them to do the same thing, they’d suddenly look at things through a grim lens.
A friend’s startup is a real business, but their own business is pretend.
A friend’s speech went well, but theirs bad because they’re not a natural speaker.
A friend’s goals are exciting and achievable, but theirs are unrealistic and a waste of time.
Worst of all, limiting beliefs rarely make us happy in the long term.
You’ve heard the clichés, and they’re clichés for a reason; you’re more likely to regret the things you didn’t do than the ones you did.
I never hear anyone say they are so glad that they never tried anything new, or that they never failed.
Safety and caution are useful, but extreme safety and extreme caution become stifling and unsatisfying.
What Can I Do About Limiting Beliefs?
The first thing to do is acknowledge that they exist, and that you are probably living within your own limiting beliefs today.
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it starts the process.
These might have stemmed from previous life experiences and defense mechanisms, and for a while they may have kept you safe.
There’s no blame here, we want to forgive ourselves and make changes to how we operate from today onwards.
Secondly, we want to identify the 2-3 biggest beliefs that are limiting/shaping your actions right now.
The “I am not ______ enough” template is useful, it probably won’t take you long to think of your most common examples.
These might have deep roots, and they might be complex issues to unravel.
Here is my encouragement to you: they are worth unravelling, and with someone who can support you through the process.
I am not a therapist, but I can encourage you to talk to a therapist if you feel that’s the right thing for you today.
Handling this the wrong way can be damaging, and I know people who have had “gurus” or experts clumsily trample on their experiences, making them even more reluctant to process their limiting beliefs in the future.
You are worth the time and the effort, and deserve to talk with people who want to see you succeed.
Thirdly, and this might surprise you, you can go hunting for new beliefs, like trying on clothes in a shop.
You can observe other people and dig into their guiding beliefs, and then try them on for yourself.
For example, a few years ago I read The Courage To Be Disliked, and one of the worldviews it promotes is “other people’s opinions of me are none of my business”.
i.e. you cannot control what other people think of you, nor can you fully understand what they think of you, and their reasons for holding those opinions might be totally illogical or for reasons outside of your influence.
Therefore, they are none of your business, and attempts to make them your business lead to unhappiness.
I thought about it, grappled with it, and decided that it suited me.
It felt weird at first, like breaking in a new pair of shoes, but it has served me very well ever since.
Another new belief that changed my worldview came from a Reddit post:
“Can you remember the embarrassing things you saw other people do? Then that’s how much people remember the ‘embarrassing’ things you’ve done – they’re far too focused on themselves!”.
I liked this one because it let me try it on for myself – I had to strain to think of many examples, and that showed me that it might have some validity.
Another one: “The people who nitpick and complain were never going to become your best customers anyway”.
Another one: “I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but I can become some people’s favourite cup of tea”.
These aren’t designed to excuse underperformance, but they do highlight the unrealistic expectations that can paralyse us with fear.
I can’t please everyone, but that shouldn’t stop me from taking some sort of action.
My suggestion is to find experts who are helpful and whose work suits your personal style.
There are a lot of people out there who create great content, some of it will seem too extreme and some of it will feel boring, but there’s a full spectrum in the middle that will change your life.
This is why I don’t like the criticism of the loud American coaches, nor the criticism of the mild-mannered coaches from Asia or Scandinavia – they are some people’s favourite cup of tea.
Beliefs are complicated and contextual, the aim is not to have “the best beliefs” but rather to find beliefs that improve your life, work and relationships.
You are also allowed to take elements and pieces from a range of sources – keep what works and leave the rest.
Can You Summarise All Of That Again?
Beliefs are like the operating system that guide your behaviour and decisions.
While some of these do a good job at keeping you safe, they often overstep the mark and limit you in unhelpful ways.
Whenever you hear your thought process talk down to you, it’s worth evaluating whether or not the belief is based on fair evidence, or based in irrational fear.
You might be right to be scared of skydiving without a parachute, but you shouldn’t be scared to take up space, try new things, publish your work or to make a contribution.
This is an important topic that is well worth your time, and you deserve to work through these issues with skilled professionals who want you to be happy.
If you like this topic, you might enjoy Mark Manson’s article.
There’s an interesting list of examples here by Tomi Llama.
You might also appreciate the work of my colleague Kate Wilson, who writes at Kamaji Tree.
